Friday, May 28, 2010

Holy Cow!

Along with several jackpot payout notifications from Microsoft, Shell and Yahoo, and offers to launder millions of dollars by fugitive Princes and corrupt ministers, I have recently been the lucky recipient of two issues of a revolutionary new magazine called The Vedic Times. Written by Kiran Kumar B, an alumnus of the prestigious Indian Institute of Science, two thought-provoking issues have given me a fresh perspective on many, many issues. I feel it is my duty to share these issues with as many people as I can; so I have uploaded them online, for public perusal:
  1. Cows
  2. Reincarnation
For example, the "Cows" issue reveals this startling fact, that six years of training in chemical engineering (including two years in the author's alma mater) failed to teach me:
Cow  ghee,  when  poured  on  burning  cow  dung cakes,  it  produces  phenomenal  amount  of oxygen  and  clears  contamination  from  air. Studies  have  proven  that  pouring  ghee  on  cow dung can fight pollution effectively.
And here we are, trying to reduce emissions and causing tensions among countries, squabbling over greenhouse gas emissions! We are even concerned by the greenhouse effect caused by bovine farts. The solution is simple. We need to collect and burn their shit, adding copious amounts of their own ghee, and voila! End of global warming. And more oxygen for all of us.

Another money quote:
Cow  urine  is  useful  in acidity,  stomach  disease  and  many  other  illnesses. According  to  Ayurveda,  cow  urine removes  leprosy  and  other  skin  diseases.  The cow and cow products are incomparable in the eyes of Ayurveda.
Apart from the obvious medicinal uses, I wonder if cow urine can decompose crude oil. The USA is currently facing a massive oil spill crisis off the coast of Louisiana. I was wondering if a scientifically determined combination of cow urine, ghee and dung, with appropriate combustion levels, could check this ecological and socio-economic disaster.

The advice, however comes with a warning:
Do  not  hate  cow  urine  and  cow  dung.  Never eat  cow  meat. By  following  this  advice,  human beings can become prosperous.
I have decided to immediately stop eating those succulent beef rolls,  the Kerala beef curry, the tender  beef chops, the rare steaks and the fragrant biryanis. I  hereby eschew the delights of chilli beef, beef spring rolls and beef kababs. No more barbecued beef, beef stew or grilled beef for me. Heck, I shall even give up beef manchurian, beef rumsteak, beef noodles and beef kheema; from now on, all my drinks will be laced with cow urine - all in my shameless pursuit of material wealth!

In fact, I think Shri BS Yeddyurappa, the Honorable Chief Minister of the State of Karnataka has taken the right step in banning beef in his territory, thus ensuring economic growth in the years to come. I implore other states to follow his admirable example.

I was wondering if cows could solve some of the world's other problems, and came up with the following conjectures. After considerable literature search, I came up with the following revelations:
  1. Cow urine can be converted to high-octane fuel (using vibhuti as catalyst at standard temperature and pressure - and the best part is that its a liquid phase reaction) that can power petrol and diesel engines alike. It burns in ordinary IC engines with a 99.7% efficiency. Furthermore, it prevents no fire hazard whatsoever, as it can only burn in enclosed spaces.
  2. Cowdung is the most complete source of nutrients, and a 5 gram tablet of dried cowdung, washed down with a glass of cow urine provides an entire day's nutrition. This is because of the special enzymes present in the cow's intestines, that convert grass and roughage into vitamin complexes and proteins. In fact, a single day's production of cow excreta of the city of Varanasi can feed the entire population of Somalia for a year.
  3. Cow urine is a proven antiretroviral agent; injections of cow urine in cultures of HIV-infected T-cells have significantly reduced the population of the pathogen as compared to control samples.
  4. Rancid ghee (got by leaving a 40.2%-vol mixture of ghee in water in sunlight for 24 hours) can absorb noxious fumes of sulphur dioxide from the atmosphere. Research is on, to harness this reaction  for municipal use.
  5. Cowdung, if powdered and spray dried at 18000 Kelvin and 300 atm, yields superconducting and self-assembling nanoparticles. A single such particle can store 1024 times the information that all of Google's servers together can hold today.
 Thus, we have excellent growth potential, and we know which animal to thank for that!

7 comments:

Dwarak Triplican said...

Nice article...
Indian Hyprocisy at its best
btw have u read the article in LA Times on cow smuggling from India to bangladesh

shwetank said...

can i ask you for the references of the facts like

1."Cow ghee, when poured on burning cow dung cakes, it produces phenomenal amount of oxygen and clears contamination from air. Studies have proven that pouring ghee on cow dung can fight pollution effectively."

2."Cow urine can be converted to high-octane fuel (using vibhuti as catalyst at standard temperature and pressure - and the best part is that its a liquid phase reaction) that can power petrol and diesel engines alike. It burns in ordinary IC engines with a 99.7% efficiency. Furthermore, it prevents no fire hazard whatsoever, as it can only burn in enclosed spaces"

3."Cowdung, if powdered and spray dried at 18000 Kelvin and 300 atm, yields superconducting and self-assembling nanoparticles. A single such particle can store 1024 times the information that all of Google's servers together can hold today."

because these are few very amazing facts that you have mentioned in your article... i am impressed only thing is i would like verify these before believing these.

Prithwiraj said...

@dwarak Thank you! Will try to read

@shwetank I believe the first one is from the vedic times article (click the "cows" link in the post. the other two, however are quite confidential defence and may never be published at all, and officially do not exist. i cannot pinpoint the sources, but some profs dealing with nanotechnology and combustion technology in iits and iisc may be working on them

simplypsychics said...

Great blog love the post keep up the good work.... I'll be back....

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aditya said...

Exactly! Do you know the temperature of sun surface is 5778K!and there they go saying 18000K

arvind said...

These psychic people don't even know science.....
Susu Swami

arvind said...

These psychic people don't even know science.....
Susu Swami